Saturday, June 12, 2010

T Minus Two Days

Yup, still pregnant.

My due date is on Monday and the gracious contentedness I cited in the last post seems to have waned...a lot. I've had a lot of prelabor symptoms which keep me hopeful that this little guy will make his appearance soon. However, there is really no way of knowing, and it's starting to drive me batty. I was 8 days late with Monica, so it's not as if I have a history of early deliveries. There's just this serious urge to meet our son and not be pregnant any longer.

I've been re reading Story of a Soul (as you can see in the side bar), which is the autobiographical work of my patron saint, Therese of Lisieux. I try to read through it about once a year, as it is very encouraging and humbling and grounding. This read has been no exception. In the chapter I finished this afternoon, St. Therese is recounting her excruciating wait to enter Carmel, the contemplative convent she believes is her true spiritual home on earth. Her sole desire is be with Jesus and to live the life of work and prayer she believes she is called to. However, she wants to enter the convent at the unheard of age of 15, which presents a lot of problems in obtaining permission from the superior, the local bishop and even the pope himself. It seems to her at times that her heart's desire, her life's dream, will never be realized.

I feel you, Therese. It is totally irrational for me to think that I will always be pregnant, but there are moments when I really wonder whether this child will join us or just feel the need to stay in the womb forever. I know on an intellectual level that this is preposterous, but I'm not as rational or intellectual at 9 months pregnant as I would like. Reading about this saint, this spiritual friend, who had similar feelings (despair, hope, longing) is a comfort. I'm not alone in the human struggle of waiting and frustration. While I cannot really connect with a burning desire to enter a convent, I do understand the desire to fulfill what you truly believe is the next step in God's plan for you. Those times when it is so close you can almost see it and feel it are some of the most challenging.

So, deep breathing and prayers for patience are the order of the day...or the next several days. And, with past graces as proof and the support of friends and family on earth and in heaven, the last few days of this chapter can be peaceful and joy-filled.

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