I have been officially unemployed for 49 days now. For the most part, I really love being a homemaker! I'm rather surprised by this as I spent much of the past three years with a real fear of what life would be like without a job-a life sans extra money and a solid 9 hours of structured activity. Looking back, I can see how much self-worth I attached to my school work and then my job. Career was all important and the primary measure of whether I was achieving the purpose for which I was created in the first place.
In the first two years of our marriage, Kevin and I spent a lot of time intensely discussing my desire to go to grad school and cultivate a "successful" career. All of the discussions ended with me coming to the realization that it is not time for grad school and an all out career blitz for many reasons-financial and simply not knowing what I am truly cut out to do in the workplace.
I love to have a plan and I love to be in control. I had my whole career path--from honors high school classes to accomplished physician--planned out by the age of 12. Alas, it was a mere semester into my undergraduate education that I realized I am not cut out to be a physician. My primary reason: I did not want to put myself in a position where I must be divided between career and family. There are many women who do this and do it very well, but I just knew the time commitment and stress of pursuing an MD was not in the cards. I have never regretted the decision. Since that realization, I have made logical plan after logical plan in order to launch a respectable, flexible career. I started to pursue a Masters in Social Work. When it became clear that was not the appropriate path, I began to pursue a special education degree. When Kevin proposed and we found out we would be moving to New York, I put the higher ed plans on hold again, only to find myself feeling disconnected and lost in regards to God's will for my work life.
The fog finally started to lift a bit when we found out about The Babe in January. I had officially become a mother and the journey would only become more intense and demanding as time went on. Though I liked my job in New York, I knew it was not enough to keep me from this child. To be a wife and mother, without a flashy career, is the path that I am trodding. It is a peaceful path. A path I am thankful for because I know that there are many women who would love to stay home with their children but cannot. The moments with young children are so fleeting and precious.
All of my failed plans have worked together to show me that God is in control. Though I may try to go my own way, his Spirit tugs at my heart when its at the brink, and I have had the grace, thus far, to turn back before too much time and money are lost pursuing things that will not bring ultimate satisfaction or happiness. Now, I pray for the grace and discipline to take this quiet time before the baby is born to learn how to listen more closely to the still small voice of Christ that illuminates each day, one moment at a time. In this, I am confident that there will be lasting peace and true purpose.